I've lived, I've dyed, I've laughed, I've cried

This is my blog. It is my special place for all my thoughts, feelings, emotions and comments. I don't have to answer to anyone. It isn't affiliated with any website or forum.

2 years ago at this time I was at at home crying my eyes out because I wanted to be up in the freezing North watching Middlesbro christmas lights being switched on. A few days later I was doing the same thing because I wanted to be watching York Christmas lights being switched on as well.
Since then I have had a rollercoaster ride of up and downs, tears and laughter, Christmas lights and pubs and clubs and radio stations. I thought it was all coming to an end this summer. My fun was over. I thought it was time to move on with my life. I realised that you can get so wrapped up in something that you can't see what is really happening.
A couple of months ago I decided it was time to distance myself from it all. I stopped visiting the forums and tried to concentrate on other things in my lfe that I had neglected. It felt quite liberating. I thought it would be hard, ag.co.uk had become such a main part of everything I did,could I really stay away? but it was so easy. 1 day turned into 5 which turned into a month and then 2. Then I got an email from The Bedford mailing list confirming that Alistair was appearing there for the first time in over a year. Could I miss this opportunity? I bought my train tickets to London straight away (£6 for a single...a lot better than the £40 to York/Scarbro/Middlesbro etc....) I thought it would be closure for me. Put an end to all the madness and go out on a high.
The last couple of weeks I have been having my doubts about whether I really wanted to go or not. I wasn't feeling excited at all. Everyone kept asking me if I was looking forward to it but I wasn't. There was no emotion at all...........
Then for some reason, at the weekend, I started to get really excited. I don't know if it was hearing about the little thing he did on the coast or seeing the pictures but Thursday couldn't come quick enough for me. Wednesday night as I sat on the sofa i had giant butterflies in my stomach and I was shaking. I got up Thursday morning and the Butterflies had made way for huge, enormous bats. I was physically sick, I couldn't eat and I must have visited the loo about 100 times before I left the house. As you can see I was so nervous, with an hour to go to my train, I was doing housework.

Walking into the Bedford was the hardest thing about the evening. My stomach was doing somersaults for all different reasons. I was about to see people that probably thought I was dead. I was about to see some people that I really didn't want to see. I was about to see the one person who has totally turned my life upside down in the past couple of years, the person who at one point I saw so many times my family thought I had abandoned them...And I haven't seen him for 7 months so I had no idea how I was going to feel. What was going to be the affect of this evening? Would I finally be over it? over him?